How to be alone

I recently listened to an audiobook by Jonathan Franzen titled How to be Alone. It is actually a compilation of essays, opening with the story of the death of Franzen's father, who suffered with Alzheimer's for years. He talks about books, of course, and cities, and writing, relationships, the curse of television, and how to be alone. These essays really intrigued me because I loved the way Franzen drew so much insight out of the ordinary, day-to-day monotony we lose ourselves in. It's a strange sensation to feel alone in a crowd, but it a feeling every human being can identify with. Even if you don't live in a big city or go out much, we have all felt loneliness. And the cool thing is, it's not always bad.

I am introvert, and I love to read books alone, process my emotions alone, watch movies alone, and just be alone a lot. But there are many times I have to get away from myself and my own thoughts. I like to have fun and be social, but I have also learned that sometimes I can be the only companion I need. I used to fear being alone in terms of never falling in love and getting married and thus, ending up alone. Now I crave my alone time, and when I think back to a great day spent alone, my mind travels back to the summer of 2010 when I studied abroad in France.

I got to do a lot of traveling while I was in France, but because it was such a short time and I was so engrossed in the language and culture, I wanted to stay in France. On my second to last weekend in the country, the group of girl friends I had gained during my experience decided they wanted to stay in Aix, (Aix-en-Provence) where we lived to go shopping. I had traveled to many nearby villages on the bus in groups, but I desperately wanted to visit the town of Avignon because of its history. I didn't want to go alone, but I also didn't want to go shopping. My suitcase was full and I could shop in the states, so at the last minute I decided to be adventurous and go by myself.

I walked to the bus station, spoke in French unaccompanied, and boarded a bus for a 3 hour ride to the beautiful town of Avignon. I had a nervous excitement as I sat on the bus, realizing I was alone, in a foreign country, about the spend the whole day in a new town....alone! I felt some fear, but on the bus I distracted myself with prayer, music, and some good reads. When I arrived in town, I didn't really have a game plan, so I just started following the people who looked like tourists. I eventually asked someone, and they led me to the tourist center where I bought a map. I then found a cafe and planned to map out my course for the day over a cafe au lait. I began to soak up the atmosphere around me, feeling to quintessentially French, when suddenly my waiter dropped an entire glass of Orangina on me. He apologized profusely, even as I assured him to not worry. I'm sure he would've received quite the word-lashing from most French women. My drink was free and he brought me a meal for free as well. I still left him a tip :)

As I left the cafe, sticky but unfazed, I began to just walk. I tried to follow my map for a while, but then I decided to just wander. I visited the palace of the popes, and walked through a park. I remember certain moments of the day, thinking, I'm alone. But the feeling was invigorating. I felt independent and spontaneous, and I was loving everything I witnessed around me. The day was simple, and I boarded my bus on-time to return home. My parents were horrified when I told them what I had done, but I didn't want them worrying the whole time, which is why I didn't tell them sooner. To this day my mom will say, "I can't believe you spent a whole day alone in a foreign place," and I'll just smile, looking back on the fond memory.

This simple memory will stick with me, reminding me that there is always an opportunity for an adventure, and it will always teach you something new about yourself. I was so proud that the girl who had once cried every day of summer camp being away from her parents was now on her own in France. "Alone" has a negative connotation when it shouldn't. Alone does not equal lonely, and it does not mean that no one cares. Practicing the art of being alone has made me more secure of who I am, and I know I have a life of practicing it ahead of me, whether I get married or not, whether I live in a crowded area or not.